Life Experience : It's all in the head

All that we see or seem

is but a dream within a dream.

Edgar Allen Poe

I know that I mentioned in my old posts that this life experience is all but in the head. Meaning to say, I have this belief that whatever you “feel” is determined by what your mind absorbs and interprets, consciously or unconsciously. Which follows, that if you can control what you absorb, you pretty much can control the way you experience the world...While this might be an "aha" moment for me, this is actually an old age belief …Remember German philosopher Immanuel Kant, and what he called the phenomenon - meaning "that which appears to be"–and what he called the noumenon - "that which is apprehended")?

There is though, something that seems to be inherent in each of us…some sort of a…personal characteristic or tendencies which makes everyone different…say, unique. I’m not here to argue “tabula rasa” or not “tabula rasa”, genetic encoding or what not. I’m instead, simply just recognizing that said“uniqueness”. What better way to approach life, but to start understanding our own make up? To distinguish what works and what doesn't?

That being said, I’m making a list of my “natural tendencies”…both negative and positive.

On another note,  it is undeniable that the society needs redirection. And perhaps, the simplest way to do good in this realm is to have a “proper” family unit. To raise responsible kids who are literally what makes the future of the society.

P.S

I've figured out what has been draining my energy. Tomorrow is Monday! Good day to start all over again! Plus, I will be out of my cocoon after the interview. 

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So what is happening ?

Tonight I will sleep early, and tomorrow I hope to make use of every little bit of my time towards my goal. Uhmmm… What is my goal? I've been asked this morning what is my plan for the weekend and I …all I could utter was…”What day is it today?”  No, really…what am I doing?

I did a pretty good job messing up myself-my body fat has totally increased, and I have stopped performing commercially for about two months now (So how long does it take to form a habit? 3 months? Okey, I have one more month lol). It is a planned mess...relax I'm still in control...or am I? lol

As I've said earlier, this trip is for the family. I’m helping out settling small things. Recently, I've been doing house work etc. My brother runs small businesses which I’m looking forward to push and market once they are back from hongkong. My mom…my mom is quite something and we all need to talk to her. I've been cooking for my little brother and papa. I need to come up with an easy to follow menu for papa, so he can still make his food himself even if I’m not around. (We need to watch his diet) And as for my two little darling nieces…basically just to be there for them…take them around and stuff…hopefully be able to teach them how to sing before I go anywhere.

My goal here in the Philippines is to be there for the family and to pursue myself as an artist (spiritually and emotionally). After I have settled my family “things”, I would like to offer some more of my time for spiritual and community service. I’m going to accept some jobs perhaps at the middle of October just to keep my working “engine” running, and to add something more for my portfolio...I've accepted that the pay here will not be the same.

The long term goal is actually… to make one last pivotal self-reinvention (pursue my art, control my artistic temper, re-establish my singing – teaching profession, finish any course not related to arts just to prove a point, be a part of spiritual – community service, travel!, acquire “wife” skills, fix my slang lol,), this is the plan…before settling down and having kids (and so help me God). Yes, you've read it right! Family is a want! But my greatest fear as of the moment is…is not being the best-that-I-can-be before having kids…I wouldn't know what to tell them…how can I advise them to grow and pursue their most authentic self if I have not done it myself. 

I’m at the midst of creating an album. I’m lucky enough to have found two solo artists who are kind enough to help me out. And ….too…a crucial interview is coming…this is really really important to me.... will update. 

I kept my eyes open…and found myself the most amazing blue eyes I've ever seen.

Every time I look at him, all I can think of is that I want his kids. Should I be concerned? 

I know that I should take my time, and I’m thankful because we do have time.

I’m at the midst of reinventing myself.

I’m allowing myself to fall in love with him. It makes me happy.

Now, let the work begin.

I.Left.Everything : What's Next

I’m not a practical person. I. Left. Everything. I left the career I have built for more than 5 years. I left my friends behind. I left my pets, my two dogs which I love so much. I left the boy-of-a-man, together with the hope of having a “family” in Kuala Lumpur. I do not center my life on having a career, or making money per se…you see I’m not a practical person.... so as soon as I did all my remaining responsibilities- I. Left. Everything.

I did my best. I loved him. I thought I could guide him all the way. But, the more I gave myself to him, the more I lost my self; the more I tried to guide him, the more I lost track of my own path.

I’m now free…and it feels...so…good.

So what went wrong?

I didn't believe in myself. I compromised my integrity. I gave too much for the idea of “love”, and in turn the person lost all respect for me.

So what’s next?

I still struggle with my temper and my anger towards the person. After everything is settled, I do not ever what to hear from him again. I do not understand how he can tell me that life is short and he still wants to be friends even if we are not together…I felt like telling him ,that life is indeed short so I no longer want to spend a single second of my life in any relation to him. I can only forgive and forget once he is totally – totally - out of my life. Why do I ever want to be connected with anyone who looks down on me with outright disrespect? Who thinks that my idealistic ways are insane? That my art is something of no value?  Who cheated on me..all that I'am as a woman. I tried to meet him halfway... but to be frank now (and I'm stating this with a whole lot of bitterness), his two by two of a brain will never be able to handle who I ‘am…he will never understand because he doesn't have the capacity to.  This is harsh, but this the truth.

I will not surrender myself anymore to any man…or to any expectation held by the society…not even to the expectations of my own.

Although it is ideal to settle down and to have a family, I have a responsibility to be the best that I can be, and to use my capacity to serve….and to make this world a little bit better.

The key now here is control, discipline, focus, and faith.

I start by serving my own family.

Breaking the ego : Bound to do things differently

I finally had my self taken out of the two social networking sites.

I. feel . good.

I do know I have to go out and get connected again, for I have a responsibility to the society. I know this .

For now, I'll serve my family.

My father has been diagnosed with stage 3 Diabetes. We have to be very careful, stage four would need constant supply of insulin.

I've been cooking, planning meals (esp for my father), maintaining the house, cleaning animal wastes...I've been doing things I don't normally do. 

I find this moment of my life really grounding, cleansing, and ego breaking.

As I've said before, I can no longer go back to who I was.

The plan is to serve the family, pursue my true self as an artist, work on social public programs, and establish myself financially. 

I do not think like how the general mass does, I have to accept that I'am different...and bound to do different things than what is not normally accepted. 

1. Ralph Waldo Emerson — 'To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.'
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