NOVEMBER UPDATES

Something is up. I’m not as productive as I've imagined myself to be. By right, this should be the perfect time to re-invent myself one more time relentlessly. I’m now 30 years old and if I’m ever to have my own offspring by age 35, I barely have five years to pursue my most authentic self.

Not a lot of people will understand what I’m trying to do initially, but like what I always say – my life is not for people to understand, but for my own self to live…so they can judge all they want.

Of course being in a society I’m constantly bombarded to yield into the norms of everyday living. 

I’m not immune to people bombarding me with ideas of how I should live my life. And let me tell you that every time I entertain someone whose ideals are far-fetched from mine out of courtesy - I loose myself; and to loose one’s bearing is not a good feeling. I have to make that decision to be myself at all times.

These past few months, leading a domesticated life, there have been a shedding of the ego. I’m slowly coming into terms of my own value as a person, and having less need of proving myself. I’m slowly understanding the strength of who I ‘am and what I can give. From time to time I do let the small insecure girl come out and play but I try to keep my core intact.

Well as it turned out, based on my latest examination, I have evolved into an ENFJ personality. I do wish I could have nurtured my scholastic side much earlier but then again, like what I said, I do still have time.

There’s a lot of studying ahead of me.

It’s time for this philosopher to observe the drought and make some gold.

I've been quite active with outreach programs. Helping out with the family business. Basically being there for the family. The album is yet to be released. I ‘am to conduct the teen classes this week. I have adjusted to the traffic, pollution, and weather. 

October Updates

Just like how a flower would grow towards the sun, we as a people ought to grow towards the light of the one who created us… it is the natural tendency of things. I acknowledge and respect the higher forces. I believe in God, just as how I believe in God within all of us.

As social beings, I understand that we ought to work together. Working together needs structure and organization. This is the reason why I agree to religion…although I do not agree in blind faith.

My personal vision is this: 5 years from now, I would have successfully learned another skill for community building or something that has to do with - reaching out to people, such as psychology. I see myself conducting seminars or sessions to help make the society a better place. I see myself being an authentic artist- both in visual and musical arts. Hopefully I’d be married then to someone appreciates and understands me as a person, to someone I can make equally happy. Kids would be awesome too.

My personal mission: Is to use my talents to serve a better humanity. To cherish my family and to have a family of my own. To cherish and experience this earth while I’m still here…to explore the last frontiers and different cultures through travel.

 Where I’m right now: I’m back home with the family…just being there for them and helping out with the family business. I'm doing another subject.The Album is taking a bit more time but I don’t want to rush it. I’m involved with some of my friend’s outreach program and I’m setting sail to conduct value based classes for teens. I’m in love… with a prospect of marriage…

I have started socializing again...in a way...
I have not adjusted yet to all the traffic, pollution, and weather. 

Life Experience : It's all in the head

All that we see or seem

is but a dream within a dream.

Edgar Allen Poe

I know that I mentioned in my old posts that this life experience is all but in the head. Meaning to say, I have this belief that whatever you “feel” is determined by what your mind absorbs and interprets, consciously or unconsciously. Which follows, that if you can control what you absorb, you pretty much can control the way you experience the world...While this might be an "aha" moment for me, this is actually an old age belief …Remember German philosopher Immanuel Kant, and what he called the phenomenon - meaning "that which appears to be"–and what he called the noumenon - "that which is apprehended")?

There is though, something that seems to be inherent in each of us…some sort of a…personal characteristic or tendencies which makes everyone different…say, unique. I’m not here to argue “tabula rasa” or not “tabula rasa”, genetic encoding or what not. I’m instead, simply just recognizing that said“uniqueness”. What better way to approach life, but to start understanding our own make up? To distinguish what works and what doesn't?

That being said, I’m making a list of my “natural tendencies”…both negative and positive.

On another note,  it is undeniable that the society needs redirection. And perhaps, the simplest way to do good in this realm is to have a “proper” family unit. To raise responsible kids who are literally what makes the future of the society.

P.S

I've figured out what has been draining my energy. Tomorrow is Monday! Good day to start all over again! Plus, I will be out of my cocoon after the interview. 

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So what is happening ?

Tonight I will sleep early, and tomorrow I hope to make use of every little bit of my time towards my goal. Uhmmm… What is my goal? I've been asked this morning what is my plan for the weekend and I …all I could utter was…”What day is it today?”  No, really…what am I doing?

I did a pretty good job messing up myself-my body fat has totally increased, and I have stopped performing commercially for about two months now (So how long does it take to form a habit? 3 months? Okey, I have one more month lol). It is a planned mess...relax I'm still in control...or am I? lol

As I've said earlier, this trip is for the family. I’m helping out settling small things. Recently, I've been doing house work etc. My brother runs small businesses which I’m looking forward to push and market once they are back from hongkong. My mom…my mom is quite something and we all need to talk to her. I've been cooking for my little brother and papa. I need to come up with an easy to follow menu for papa, so he can still make his food himself even if I’m not around. (We need to watch his diet) And as for my two little darling nieces…basically just to be there for them…take them around and stuff…hopefully be able to teach them how to sing before I go anywhere.

My goal here in the Philippines is to be there for the family and to pursue myself as an artist (spiritually and emotionally). After I have settled my family “things”, I would like to offer some more of my time for spiritual and community service. I’m going to accept some jobs perhaps at the middle of October just to keep my working “engine” running, and to add something more for my portfolio...I've accepted that the pay here will not be the same.

The long term goal is actually… to make one last pivotal self-reinvention (pursue my art, control my artistic temper, re-establish my singing – teaching profession, finish any course not related to arts just to prove a point, be a part of spiritual – community service, travel!, acquire “wife” skills, fix my slang lol,), this is the plan…before settling down and having kids (and so help me God). Yes, you've read it right! Family is a want! But my greatest fear as of the moment is…is not being the best-that-I-can-be before having kids…I wouldn't know what to tell them…how can I advise them to grow and pursue their most authentic self if I have not done it myself. 

I’m at the midst of creating an album. I’m lucky enough to have found two solo artists who are kind enough to help me out. And ….too…a crucial interview is coming…this is really really important to me.... will update. 

I kept my eyes open…and found myself the most amazing blue eyes I've ever seen.

Every time I look at him, all I can think of is that I want his kids. Should I be concerned? 

I know that I should take my time, and I’m thankful because we do have time.

I’m at the midst of reinventing myself.

I’m allowing myself to fall in love with him. It makes me happy.

Now, let the work begin.

I.Left.Everything : What's Next

I’m not a practical person. I. Left. Everything. I left the career I have built for more than 5 years. I left my friends behind. I left my pets, my two dogs which I love so much. I left the boy-of-a-man, together with the hope of having a “family” in Kuala Lumpur. I do not center my life on having a career, or making money per se…you see I’m not a practical person.... so as soon as I did all my remaining responsibilities- I. Left. Everything.

I did my best. I loved him. I thought I could guide him all the way. But, the more I gave myself to him, the more I lost my self; the more I tried to guide him, the more I lost track of my own path.

I’m now free…and it feels...so…good.

So what went wrong?

I didn't believe in myself. I compromised my integrity. I gave too much for the idea of “love”, and in turn the person lost all respect for me.

So what’s next?

I still struggle with my temper and my anger towards the person. After everything is settled, I do not ever what to hear from him again. I do not understand how he can tell me that life is short and he still wants to be friends even if we are not together…I felt like telling him ,that life is indeed short so I no longer want to spend a single second of my life in any relation to him. I can only forgive and forget once he is totally – totally - out of my life. Why do I ever want to be connected with anyone who looks down on me with outright disrespect? Who thinks that my idealistic ways are insane? That my art is something of no value?  Who cheated on me..all that I'am as a woman. I tried to meet him halfway... but to be frank now (and I'm stating this with a whole lot of bitterness), his two by two of a brain will never be able to handle who I ‘am…he will never understand because he doesn't have the capacity to.  This is harsh, but this the truth.

I will not surrender myself anymore to any man…or to any expectation held by the society…not even to the expectations of my own.

Although it is ideal to settle down and to have a family, I have a responsibility to be the best that I can be, and to use my capacity to serve….and to make this world a little bit better.

The key now here is control, discipline, focus, and faith.

I start by serving my own family.

Breaking the ego : Bound to do things differently

I finally had my self taken out of the two social networking sites.

I. feel . good.

I do know I have to go out and get connected again, for I have a responsibility to the society. I know this .

For now, I'll serve my family.

My father has been diagnosed with stage 3 Diabetes. We have to be very careful, stage four would need constant supply of insulin.

I've been cooking, planning meals (esp for my father), maintaining the house, cleaning animal wastes...I've been doing things I don't normally do. 

I find this moment of my life really grounding, cleansing, and ego breaking.

As I've said before, I can no longer go back to who I was.

The plan is to serve the family, pursue my true self as an artist, work on social public programs, and establish myself financially. 

I do not think like how the general mass does, I have to accept that I'am different...and bound to do different things than what is not normally accepted. 

1. Ralph Waldo Emerson — 'To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.'
2. 
   

The Need For A Decent Public Face

We can be very concerned about how other people would think of us most of the time; which is only reasonable since we live in a society...which means as social animals, it's only normal to have this desire to feel comfortable around people.  Though most people requires to be respected and be “seen” in a good light just for the “name sake”, this need for respect and trust serves a far better purpose than to feed the ego.

Two heads is better than one- to live in a society is such a great opportunity to collaborate; to collaborate means to do greater things…and in order for people to “want” to work together with you, you must be seen as trustworthy and responsible…this I believe, should be the reason why we should maintain a good public face- in order to be trusted, so we could work together with other people to do greater things we can’t do on our own.

In our pursuit to do things of value, we have to choose who we do “things” with - because energy and time in this realm is limited…

Those who continuously and shamelessly “fake” who they are to portray a different face other than their own corrupt skin, poses a great threat to the time and energy of those who are sincere. But eventually, those who “fake it” would be found out because not everyone will be fooled… at the end of the day they will neither wake up with the company of those who sadly buy their lies, those who will cheat them in return…or …they would wake up alone in the grave they have dug themselves… It is harsh to say, but this is the truth.

Society Needs Religion

Life is both an experience and a responsibility. Truth is, every experience is only meaningful to the extent that we, ourselves, allow it to be meaningful…end of it all, we’re going to have to let go. 

I now have stopped trying to understand things beyond my senses. I’m comfortable accepting the fact, that I will not wholly understand everything in life. 

What I think I know is what’s here…what’s now… that we cannot only live for ourselves, for our actions affect one another; and  that we all only have one home…under one ether. 

Although we can be a lamp to ourselves, I believe our society needs structure…it needs religion.