Febuary Updates: Always upto something

I joined several courses which are already a quarter-way ahead towards its completion date.  Doing up the math, I’m basically learning a month’s worth of lecture in one sitting. How am I doing it? A lot of coffee! Why am I doing it? This is because I’m not sure when the said courses are going to be open for registration again. That, and because I’m superhuman! But seriously, if I’m aiming preschool faculty as my first work entry level in another country, I think I should be stressing myself out with matters of “childhood education” rather than “game theory” stuff . But all jokes aside, I’m preparing...

 My album project is still hanging on air. My song writing specialization will be finishing soon, and that should pick things up. I will have it published before I leave.

Still struggling with my monthly PMS. Goodness me, this thing is real. I worry for my man. I cannot go on like this.

I envision to become a mother soon. All is good. I just need a job I can be happy with, suitable for a family life, and I'll be a happy content camper.

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Here goes again, another random train of thoughts.

It humbles me whenever I'm reminded that I'm just a tiny speck in this universe. And I feel grateful whenever I remember that I've been given this once in a lifetime chance to live.

You shouldn't loose yourself in a moment. Well, maybe you can in some moments, but not all the time. You always have to step back and take the observer's point of view; lest you'll loose yourself in the "matrix" of this society. And we don't want to get trapped in this matrix generally built on greed, competition, jealousy and all that, don't we?

To cherish moments is to be sentimental, and to stick to what works is logical. At the same time, it is unwise to only stick to what's logical, for the world itself is a plethora of mysteries. Here once again we face, the eternal paradox of being a human...for to be human is to hang in a balance. 

On a totally unrelated note, the lecturer in the videos I have to watch is highly irritating. But then again, why should I be so affected? I guess I just want a calm and composed person to watch, considering that the subject is complicated. You know a little less distraction would be nice. Her bouncy attitude, high pitched voice and constant fidgeting doesn't help at all..

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I heard they are sending people to Mars now? It can be a little bit scary being at the middle of such fast changing times when I don't even know how to use a computer properly. So do I have to raise scientists and "techy" kids in order to keep them on top of things now? Maybe...adding to that, I feel that raising responsible  and loving human beings would still, be my greatest gift to this society.

Look at that..that tiny speck is earth from outer space. (picture from world wide web) Look at that and tell me...tell me, what is the meaning of life?

It is so short...life is...

It's so quiet...

I'm getting used to my solitary self way too much...

I feel privileged to be surrounded by unconditional love... this love makes everything meaningful...

DEC 2014 - JAN 2015

With all the things not going well in the world, it’s not easy to see the spark of the divine in each person. Not to dismiss the light that is in everyone, but unless we see even a glimpse of that light, there really is nothing much to connect or work on with; and well our time as we know it in this journey, is limited.

I still feel very distant against the current society’s way of life. Needless to say, as much as I want people to understand the way I think and the decisions I make (as much as I want to “belong”) I value my freedom to live for what I deem “right” way much more.

The universe has sent me a wonderful man I can build a family with. So yes, I will get to enjoy this wonderful experience of family life.

I need a partner who will not patronize and who will let me grow as much as a person.

I need to get my things done.

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What is life, but simply to live? To be the best we can be, and to offer this society that “good” which we are capable of “becoming”…which we “are” innately. We need to be the best we can be simply because the society needs it; simply because it is the right thing to do.

Scientifically, the memories we deem meaningful is but a state of mind. Having said that, everything is a state of mind…unless...unless there is a soul.

In a world bound by the limitation of time, being mortals that we are, it’s easy to think that the meaning of life lies on “results”…on “successes” we can measure. But for me, it lies on those moments untouched by time…which resides beyond what we merely can perceive and understand…and I would like to believe that the place where it resides, is what we call our soul.

At the midst of this funny society I live in, I have had many of those “soulful” moments. I see it every day now at the face of my family…of my friends…and just recently…a glimpse of the pope.

Btw The pope’s message this 2015 is very clear to me: faith, family, and charity.
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A friend has brought about the idea of “karma”; of having to live life over and over with no conclusion. But if we are open our selvesto the idea of karma, then it would lead us to the limitless world of possibilities such as Nirvana and Multi Universes.

As I've said before, I want to keep my life simple and stick to what I can observe. I’d like to stick with the very reasonable observation that -Life is all in the head; It’s an experience. We choose how we experience life, and the decisions we make helps us mold that experience.

The obvious need in this world is change in the society. And all the change we need to see, starts in one’s self.

Although I miss my work, I really am cherishing my time now with the family.

NOVEMBER UPDATES

Something is up. I’m not as productive as I've imagined myself to be. By right, this should be the perfect time to re-invent myself one more time relentlessly. I’m now 30 years old and if I’m ever to have my own offspring by age 35, I barely have five years to pursue my most authentic self.

Not a lot of people will understand what I’m trying to do initially, but like what I always say – my life is not for people to understand, but for my own self to live…so they can judge all they want.

Of course being in a society I’m constantly bombarded to yield into the norms of everyday living. 

I’m not immune to people bombarding me with ideas of how I should live my life. And let me tell you that every time I entertain someone whose ideals are far-fetched from mine out of courtesy - I loose myself; and to loose one’s bearing is not a good feeling. I have to make that decision to be myself at all times.

These past few months, leading a domesticated life, there have been a shedding of the ego. I’m slowly coming into terms of my own value as a person, and having less need of proving myself. I’m slowly understanding the strength of who I ‘am and what I can give. From time to time I do let the small insecure girl come out and play but I try to keep my core intact.

Well as it turned out, based on my latest examination, I have evolved into an ENFJ personality. I do wish I could have nurtured my scholastic side much earlier but then again, like what I said, I do still have time.

There’s a lot of studying ahead of me.

It’s time for this philosopher to observe the drought and make some gold.

I've been quite active with outreach programs. Helping out with the family business. Basically being there for the family. The album is yet to be released. I ‘am to conduct the teen classes this week. I have adjusted to the traffic, pollution, and weather. 

October Updates

Just like how a flower would grow towards the sun, we as a people ought to grow towards the light of the one who created us… it is the natural tendency of things. I acknowledge and respect the higher forces. I believe in God, just as how I believe in God within all of us.

As social beings, I understand that we ought to work together. Working together needs structure and organization. This is the reason why I agree to religion…although I do not agree in blind faith.

My personal vision is this: 5 years from now, I would have successfully learned another skill for community building or something that has to do with - reaching out to people, such as psychology. I see myself conducting seminars or sessions to help make the society a better place. I see myself being an authentic artist- both in visual and musical arts. Hopefully I’d be married then to someone appreciates and understands me as a person, to someone I can make equally happy. Kids would be awesome too.

My personal mission: Is to use my talents to serve a better humanity. To cherish my family and to have a family of my own. To cherish and experience this earth while I’m still here…to explore the last frontiers and different cultures through travel.

 Where I’m right now: I’m back home with the family…just being there for them and helping out with the family business. I'm doing another subject.The Album is taking a bit more time but I don’t want to rush it. I’m involved with some of my friend’s outreach program and I’m setting sail to conduct value based classes for teens. I’m in love… with a prospect of marriage…

I have started socializing again...in a way...
I have not adjusted yet to all the traffic, pollution, and weather. 

Life Experience : It's all in the head

All that we see or seem

is but a dream within a dream.

Edgar Allen Poe

I know that I mentioned in my old posts that this life experience is all but in the head. Meaning to say, I have this belief that whatever you “feel” is determined by what your mind absorbs and interprets, consciously or unconsciously. Which follows, that if you can control what you absorb, you pretty much can control the way you experience the world...While this might be an "aha" moment for me, this is actually an old age belief …Remember German philosopher Immanuel Kant, and what he called the phenomenon - meaning "that which appears to be"–and what he called the noumenon - "that which is apprehended")?

There is though, something that seems to be inherent in each of us…some sort of a…personal characteristic or tendencies which makes everyone different…say, unique. I’m not here to argue “tabula rasa” or not “tabula rasa”, genetic encoding or what not. I’m instead, simply just recognizing that said“uniqueness”. What better way to approach life, but to start understanding our own make up? To distinguish what works and what doesn't?

That being said, I’m making a list of my “natural tendencies”…both negative and positive.

On another note,  it is undeniable that the society needs redirection. And perhaps, the simplest way to do good in this realm is to have a “proper” family unit. To raise responsible kids who are literally what makes the future of the society.

P.S

I've figured out what has been draining my energy. Tomorrow is Monday! Good day to start all over again! Plus, I will be out of my cocoon after the interview. 

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So what is happening ?

Tonight I will sleep early, and tomorrow I hope to make use of every little bit of my time towards my goal. Uhmmm… What is my goal? I've been asked this morning what is my plan for the weekend and I …all I could utter was…”What day is it today?”  No, really…what am I doing?

I did a pretty good job messing up myself-my body fat has totally increased, and I have stopped performing commercially for about two months now (So how long does it take to form a habit? 3 months? Okey, I have one more month lol). It is a planned mess...relax I'm still in control...or am I? lol

As I've said earlier, this trip is for the family. I’m helping out settling small things. Recently, I've been doing house work etc. My brother runs small businesses which I’m looking forward to push and market once they are back from hongkong. My mom…my mom is quite something and we all need to talk to her. I've been cooking for my little brother and papa. I need to come up with an easy to follow menu for papa, so he can still make his food himself even if I’m not around. (We need to watch his diet) And as for my two little darling nieces…basically just to be there for them…take them around and stuff…hopefully be able to teach them how to sing before I go anywhere.

My goal here in the Philippines is to be there for the family and to pursue myself as an artist (spiritually and emotionally). After I have settled my family “things”, I would like to offer some more of my time for spiritual and community service. I’m going to accept some jobs perhaps at the middle of October just to keep my working “engine” running, and to add something more for my portfolio...I've accepted that the pay here will not be the same.

The long term goal is actually… to make one last pivotal self-reinvention (pursue my art, control my artistic temper, re-establish my singing – teaching profession, finish any course not related to arts just to prove a point, be a part of spiritual – community service, travel!, acquire “wife” skills, fix my slang lol,), this is the plan…before settling down and having kids (and so help me God). Yes, you've read it right! Family is a want! But my greatest fear as of the moment is…is not being the best-that-I-can-be before having kids…I wouldn't know what to tell them…how can I advise them to grow and pursue their most authentic self if I have not done it myself. 

I’m at the midst of creating an album. I’m lucky enough to have found two solo artists who are kind enough to help me out. And ….too…a crucial interview is coming…this is really really important to me.... will update. 

I kept my eyes open…and found myself the most amazing blue eyes I've ever seen.

Every time I look at him, all I can think of is that I want his kids. Should I be concerned? 

I know that I should take my time, and I’m thankful because we do have time.

I’m at the midst of reinventing myself.

I’m allowing myself to fall in love with him. It makes me happy.

Now, let the work begin.