NOVEMBER UPDATES

Hello, December!  It's been six months since my last post and I can't believe this year is coming to an end.

A lot has happened lately. I got married, my mother in law passed, my husband and I are growing a little girl inside my belly, and my little Guinness left this dimension...

I've been a busy housewife. Growing a child, trying to cook three meals a day, and keeping the house intact.

I'm no longer bouncing off walls. I'm finally grounded and I now know exactly what I want to do. I feel thankful to have finally settled down with a loving and supportive man who I grow more and more in love with every day. I feel blessed that we are expecting a child.

I no longer have feelings of anger about my past, nor for the people who caused them. I'm  though, smart enough now to choose what I exchange my time for.

Although there are moments when I feel insecure about myself...with my growing figure and just being a stay-at-home wife and mommy to be  right now...I do know that there are a lot of new exciting adventures ahead...imagine...just imagine whenever I can already drive and move around...the world will be our (my family's) playground.

MAY UPDATES

This month has been all about paper works. Spent this time alone in the house when the family went to Dubai. Did all the medical, interviews and all that. It was an interesting and challenging month. I had fun going to the gym.

 I have been here 30 days more or less. I thought I lost stud again, second time around. I felt so bad for him always inside the house looking out, so I decided to take him out the backyard for a walk...long story. Important thing is, I got him back in the house safe and sound.

I remember everything. I remember the long ques, the paper works, interviews,LRT's, the immigration, the baggage section, the terminal, the view outside the window when the plane finally entered the other part of the world(which marked another chapter of my life)....I remember  the sugar gliders, dogs, my workmates, my friends, my family...most of all my family. I miss them. I miss them a lot.

30 days more or less... I'm now leading a very domesticated life. I think I'm doing well taking care or my husband. He makes me happy. I've never cooked and cleaned the house so much in my life, with so much contentment. He just.makes me.so. happy.

The honeymoon was awesome. He never left my side. =)

I can't wait to be moving around and starting work. I'm familiar with the process but if I don't focus, I fear I might die out or boredom whenever my husband goes to work.

I have to stop worrying. I know exactly where I stand and where I'm going. Not being able to work right now is very painful to the ego and my sense of self worth, but I have to remind myself that this is just a process. Things are the way it should be.

When I say work, I mean onstage work performing and teaching. I did help out my brother with the business back home , and  a little bit of teaching and performing.

The past year is all about getting myself together with my now, husband. Mission Accomplished. We are very happy to be together, finally.

Right now I'm just at home. Newly married. And perhaps conceiving very soon.

What's Next?

APRIL UPDATES

I keep thinking about my fiancé. Very intelligent, responsible, assertive, humble, family oriented, totally indifferent to the nonsensical ways of the society, with a dash of sarcasm to make me laugh every now and then…very supportive to my goals in life and man enough to  straighten me up when I’m misbehaving...you know in that cute misbehaving way Lol  Don’t let me get started about how good he is …in kissing! (Mama, I’m 30! if you are reading my blog!?please stop reading! Ha!ha!ha!)
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I’m changing. Recently I just called someone an idiot publicly, and it felt good…I didn’t feel any regret and at that time, all I wanted was to put him in his place. Let’s face it, this world is not perfect and no matter what you do or who you are, people can disrespect you whenever they choose to. The question is, what are you going to do about it? And my answer to that is – THIS.  IS. SPARTA! lol

It’s not all about the ego, you know? It’s not because I feel so highly that I think people should always treat me with respect. Just think of it this way, your life is very dependent upon the interactions you make with others…this involves businesses, relationships, contracts, literally everything!  And for all of these things to run smoothly, you have be in connection with people who will treat you with equal respect and trust that you are capable of giving. Meaning to say, you have to give idiotic assholes, zero chance to be a part of your reality…and if you can, make sure that others won’t give them a chance too. You owe it to yourself and to others. If they don’t behave, they don’t belong. “Your actions will teach others how to treat you” .

I think it is important to put people in their place, and to keep them out of your life if they are not behaving. But also, it is very important not to hate.

People have disappointed me big time in my life more than once, and I’ve hated some. I don’t care much about most of them, but there are several people I hated and wished hell for.  I thought to myself, never to be nice again to people who don’t deserve it. But I’ve been thinking…you know at the end of the day, this hatred won’t matter. This hatred will only eat the vitality of my being. At the end of the day what would matter are those moments you spend with your loved ones…with your passions in life and such. 

So be nice, but be just.

 
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Towards the final step, even if the final step is just the beginning.
Thank you God in heaven and my spirit guides.
Thank you to my family and my ever loving fiance.
I'm talking in riddles again.

I've survived the traffic and the heat of the sun; and my result shows I'm as healthy as I can be.
I've opened up a small singing studio for the summer, like the one I used to have when I was just starting.
My parents and younger brother are still in dubai.

I'm irritated with my weight and how tan I have become. But then again, I still look fine and I think it's just the hormones.

I got the certificates from Berklee extension.
Started my online english class.

I've never been concerned about money like this before.
I keep thinking that if I'm going to have a child, I need to be financialy confident.
I know that my husband to be will be supportive and I trust him;
It's just me...and that desire to be in control and on top of things.

I'am an  Alpha female and it's time to embrace that...to come into full terms with that. 

I would like to have my own child because I think my offspring would be better than  me; It'll be beneficial for the society; On top of that, to have an offspring with someone you love and respect is just fantastic.

I still have not finished my materials for the Album.
But I'm confident now that I can cook. People are impressed. For those who judged my "wife material" capacity - I clean the house, wash dishes, do the laundry all on my own now.

All these...very human concerns on a very human society lol

The earth needs to be taken care of. More and more animals are becoming extinct. 

March Updates: You have to commit !

You have to commit…

You have to commit to something…to someone…It narrows down the possibilities and helps to focus your energy towards greater productivity.

For someone like me, believing that – “everything is possible” is actually a challenge more than a reassurance. Because you see I’m so interested in so many unrelated things; I’m bouncing off from one wall to another!  But I know it would work, if I practice prioritizing certain things over another as I work through my goals.

LOL. Quoting my husband to be -“Honey, I don’t want you to stretch yourself too much. At one end of the spectrum you’re wanting to do this…and then at one end you’re wanting to do that…” (My man is very understanding and patient. He managed to bring up the issue without being patriarchal,  without making fun or degrading me.)

So, I’m making my commitment…I’m making my commitment to my fiancé…I’m making my commitment to “family”. I can be a lot of things in this world, but I know for sure that I’ll be the best mother to my kids, and the best wife to my understanding and patient husband. lol

I’m so ready for a child. Dear lord, I’m already 30 years old!

But you see…it takes 9 months for a baby to form…so what should I do with those 9 months? (Here we go again)

Well you know…it’s expensive to have a baby…I have to make money!

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Random Thoughts

Everyone finally flew to Dubai for that long awaited holiday...while I, work on some papers.

The society will always be as it is, no use busting my head over that. You get yourself in it, do what you need to do, and get out. Otherwise you'll loose yourself in its system.

It is our duty to put our best foot forward, to connect, to let people know our good intention...but it's dangerous to go beyond that...once we start trying to please people. Because once you start molding yourself based on someone's expectation other than yourself, what really happens is, you start letting go of the unique person that you are. 

My family is not around right now, but I'm doing a couple of things.

I'm trying to get my self on a soldier routine, which is disciplining myself in every way possible.

There are so many things to explore in this world with so little time.  I know the value of family very well. It should all hang in a balance. 

My husband to be is gorgeous. He excites me and makes me happy.

Febuary Updates: Always upto something

I joined several courses which are already a quarter-way ahead towards its completion date.  Doing up the math, I’m basically learning a month’s worth of lecture in one sitting. How am I doing it? A lot of coffee! Why am I doing it? This is because I’m not sure when the said courses are going to be open for registration again. That, and because I’m superhuman! But seriously, if I’m aiming preschool faculty as my first work entry level in another country, I think I should be stressing myself out with matters of “childhood education” rather than “game theory” stuff . But all jokes aside, I’m preparing...

 My album project is still hanging on air. My song writing specialization will be finishing soon, and that should pick things up. I will have it published before I leave.

Still struggling with my monthly PMS. Goodness me, this thing is real. I worry for my man. I cannot go on like this.

I envision to become a mother soon. All is good. I just need a job I can be happy with, suitable for a family life, and I'll be a happy content camper.

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Here goes again, another random train of thoughts.

It humbles me whenever I'm reminded that I'm just a tiny speck in this universe. And I feel grateful whenever I remember that I've been given this once in a lifetime chance to live.

You shouldn't loose yourself in a moment. Well, maybe you can in some moments, but not all the time. You always have to step back and take the observer's point of view; lest you'll loose yourself in the "matrix" of this society. And we don't want to get trapped in this matrix generally built on greed, competition, jealousy and all that, don't we?

To cherish moments is to be sentimental, and to stick to what works is logical. At the same time, it is unwise to only stick to what's logical, for the world itself is a plethora of mysteries. Here once again we face, the eternal paradox of being a human...for to be human is to hang in a balance. 

On a totally unrelated note, the lecturer in the videos I have to watch is highly irritating. But then again, why should I be so affected? I guess I just want a calm and composed person to watch, considering that the subject is complicated. You know a little less distraction would be nice. Her bouncy attitude, high pitched voice and constant fidgeting doesn't help at all..

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I heard they are sending people to Mars now? It can be a little bit scary being at the middle of such fast changing times when I don't even know how to use a computer properly. So do I have to raise scientists and "techy" kids in order to keep them on top of things now? Maybe...adding to that, I feel that raising responsible  and loving human beings would still, be my greatest gift to this society.

Look at that..that tiny speck is earth from outer space. (picture from world wide web) Look at that and tell me...tell me, what is the meaning of life?

It is so short...life is...

It's so quiet...

I'm getting used to my solitary self way too much...

I feel privileged to be surrounded by unconditional love... this love makes everything meaningful...

DEC 2014 - JAN 2015

With all the things not going well in the world, it’s not easy to see the spark of the divine in each person. Not to dismiss the light that is in everyone, but unless we see even a glimpse of that light, there really is nothing much to connect or work on with; and well our time as we know it in this journey, is limited.

I still feel very distant against the current society’s way of life. Needless to say, as much as I want people to understand the way I think and the decisions I make (as much as I want to “belong”) I value my freedom to live for what I deem “right” way much more.

The universe has sent me a wonderful man I can build a family with. So yes, I will get to enjoy this wonderful experience of family life.

I need a partner who will not patronize and who will let me grow as much as a person.

I need to get my things done.

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What is life, but simply to live? To be the best we can be, and to offer this society that “good” which we are capable of “becoming”…which we “are” innately. We need to be the best we can be simply because the society needs it; simply because it is the right thing to do.

Scientifically, the memories we deem meaningful is but a state of mind. Having said that, everything is a state of mind…unless...unless there is a soul.

In a world bound by the limitation of time, being mortals that we are, it’s easy to think that the meaning of life lies on “results”…on “successes” we can measure. But for me, it lies on those moments untouched by time…which resides beyond what we merely can perceive and understand…and I would like to believe that the place where it resides, is what we call our soul.

At the midst of this funny society I live in, I have had many of those “soulful” moments. I see it every day now at the face of my family…of my friends…and just recently…a glimpse of the pope.

Btw The pope’s message this 2015 is very clear to me: faith, family, and charity.
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A friend has brought about the idea of “karma”; of having to live life over and over with no conclusion. But if we are open our selvesto the idea of karma, then it would lead us to the limitless world of possibilities such as Nirvana and Multi Universes.

As I've said before, I want to keep my life simple and stick to what I can observe. I’d like to stick with the very reasonable observation that -Life is all in the head; It’s an experience. We choose how we experience life, and the decisions we make helps us mold that experience.

The obvious need in this world is change in the society. And all the change we need to see, starts in one’s self.

Although I miss my work, I really am cherishing my time now with the family.

NOVEMBER UPDATES

Something is up. I’m not as productive as I've imagined myself to be. By right, this should be the perfect time to re-invent myself one more time relentlessly. I’m now 30 years old and if I’m ever to have my own offspring by age 35, I barely have five years to pursue my most authentic self.

Not a lot of people will understand what I’m trying to do initially, but like what I always say – my life is not for people to understand, but for my own self to live…so they can judge all they want.

Of course being in a society I’m constantly bombarded to yield into the norms of everyday living. 

I’m not immune to people bombarding me with ideas of how I should live my life. And let me tell you that every time I entertain someone whose ideals are far-fetched from mine out of courtesy - I loose myself; and to loose one’s bearing is not a good feeling. I have to make that decision to be myself at all times.

These past few months, leading a domesticated life, there have been a shedding of the ego. I’m slowly coming into terms of my own value as a person, and having less need of proving myself. I’m slowly understanding the strength of who I ‘am and what I can give. From time to time I do let the small insecure girl come out and play but I try to keep my core intact.

Well as it turned out, based on my latest examination, I have evolved into an ENFJ personality. I do wish I could have nurtured my scholastic side much earlier but then again, like what I said, I do still have time.

There’s a lot of studying ahead of me.

It’s time for this philosopher to observe the drought and make some gold.

I've been quite active with outreach programs. Helping out with the family business. Basically being there for the family. The album is yet to be released. I ‘am to conduct the teen classes this week. I have adjusted to the traffic, pollution, and weather.